


State of the Union

by lanyon



Category: Zombieland (2009)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-12-24
Updated: 2010-12-24
Packaged: 2017-10-14 01:17:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 625
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/143766
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lanyon/pseuds/lanyon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set five-years post the ending of the movie. Columbus still has his family of four and multitudes of rules.</p>
            </blockquote>





	State of the Union

**Author's Note:**

  * For [eudaimon](https://archiveofourown.org/users/eudaimon/gifts).



In the seventh grade, Annie Kenna said that she wouldn’t go near me if I was the last guy on earth. I guess it’s kind of a moot point now because Annie Kenna’s dead or else she’s developed an appetite for brains. Still, it got me thinking. What if Wichita is with me because I’m the last guy on earth?

Don’t get me wrong. There’s Tallahassee, too, but he’s Little Rock’s and, like, fifty. The four of us have been together, on and off, for five years now. The whole Tallahassee-Little Rock thing is kinda weird but it’s not like there’s a constitution or laws anymore. She keeps him in line and totally kept vigil with him on the night he found a Twinkie past its expiration date. It was sort of beautiful, in a weird, warped, Tallahassee way.

I’ve still got my rules. Wichita set fire to my first notebook three and a half years ago because she said it was keeping me from being spontaneous.

Rule #567: Zombies and spontaneity don’t mix.

I know, I know. You’re probably thinking that it’s insane to have over five hundred survival rules but I’ve survived for exactly one thousand, eight hundred and fifty days so I think those kinds of statistics pretty much speak for themselves.

Anyway, the point is that Wichita and I are pretty happy together. There’ve been a few bumpy patches, like when she realised that, like Twinkies, condoms and the Pill had expiration dates, too. There was the time when I said too much about hair and ears and four-oh-six and she shaved her head.

We’re not actually the last four people on earth and I’m not the last guy. We met a group about eighteen months ago near San Diego. Three guys and a girl. We went our separate ways mostly because they didn’t believe Talahassee can grow on you. He definitely can. Like fungus, I guess, or mould. Anyway, he didn’t like the way Brooklyn looked at Little Rock. I think you can guess what happened next.

I suppose you’re wondering how there can still be zombies after five years but it’s simple math. There were maybe six billion people on the planet and I only know eight people who aren’t zombies. Think about it. I guess a certain number of people just died by, like, natural causes. People who were in hospital and babies and really old people.

And Bill Murray.

Rule #38: Don’t kill celebrities until you’re sure they’re zombies.

I’m pretty sure they’re all zombies now, though. Well. Britney Spears is, anyway. I think Wichita enjoyed dispatching Zombie Spears way too much. Forget the double tap. It was, like, quintuple tap. She was all, “Oops, I did it again” which, I guess, is a lyric from her music? I was always more of a Creedence Clearwater Revival fan.

Sometimes, we wonder what’s south or what’s in Canada. It’d be pretty awesome if there were still Canadians. The problem is that we’re running out of stuff. There’s no petrol so there’s no cars. There’s no electricity or bread and we’re nearly out of toilet paper. I guess it’s, like, a return to nature like that Grizzly Man guy? You know, the one who got eaten by bears? Except it’s zombies but I guess being eaten is the same, no matter what.

Sometimes, we wonder if it’s global or if it’s a big joke by the rest of the world to, like, wipe us out. America, you suck. Welcome to Zombieland, population: you. It’s easy to get paranoid, sometimes, but I think we’ll be okay. We’ve survived this long.

As long as we’ve got the four of us and nobody gets pregnant or gangrene, I think we’ll be okay.

**Author's Note:**

> Enormous thanks to Laura for reading it.


End file.
